©Becca

Chapter XVIII

The sky was cloudy and overcast, snowflakes falling like manna from heaven onto the flat plains beyond the window, but Louise saw none of it. She wasn't even sure what day it was as she stared out the same window she'd stared out of for most of the last couple days. She felt empty and old. Sleep was a thing of the past even as her hope was beginning to wane.

Creeping Fox had come, bringing Madison's demands before leaving. Buck had hidden in the barn and followed the Indian giving him a twenty minute head start. Lou'd overheard the boys saying that the snow would help Buck track Madison's man, but Buck had left almost two days ago, if her fuzzy memory served her right and still there was no word from him. Sam and his men had been sent for, Cody riding like the devil himself was chasing him, bringing the marshal. Emma was to follow with another of Sam's men later. Due to her newly revealed pregnancy, Sam didn't want her overdoing things.

Automatically, Lou's hand slid over her stomach lightly touching the place where another child lay growing, causing the sickness that roused her from her torpor late at night and early in the morning. With two riders out of the lineup, the rest were forced to take up the slack, doubling- and sometimes tripling-up their rides. When they weren't riding or doing the bare minimum of chores to keep the station going, each man had taken a turn staying with Louise while they coaxed Kid into napping for an hour or two. Even in her distracted state, she could see that they were all worried and exhausted, so her rapid trips outside in the morning never bothered any of them nor aroused their suspicions.

However, Lou was beginning to second guess the wisdom of not revealing her secret even to Rachel. She was constantly nauseous now and fatigued beyond the need for sleep--she was too tired to sleep. Adding to her near-paralyzing worry over Jon was the fear that something was seriously wrong with this pregnancy and she'd discovered that she did want this baby, especially if something happened to Jon. She needed this baby because it was the last bit of Kid she'd ever have. She loved him more than life, but she knew that her fear had made her lose her hold on his heart despite the things he'd been promising the last few days. How do I tell him now, she asked, tears welling in her eyes. How do I tell him that I wasn't going to tell him?

It had been a long slow ride, but Buck now found himself lying facedown in the weeds watching Madison's hideout. He'd been ultra careful as he followed Creeping Fox. As he'd suspected after about five miles, the Indian had decided he'd covered his trail well enough and abandoned his technique. It was a familiar idea. Some hunters, trackers, etc... covered their tracks for a certain distance, throwing the people and animals following them off their trail at the begninning. If their pursuers couldn't start looking, they soon got frustrated and gave up allowing the quarry to drop its guard later along the trail. It was just a matter of finding that point. Luckily for Running Buck Cross, the technique had been an element in one of the childhood games he and his half brother had played while Buck still lived with the Kiowa.

As the sky darkened to a pitch black and the wind picked up, blowing the snowflakes around him, Buck crept from his hiding place to peek inside the rickety shack's dusty windows. He'd heard Jon screaming for most of the day, his heart tearing out as the boy cried for his mother for hours on end, knowing that Lou was back at the waystation crying for him. Looking inside cautiously, he could see Madison pacing back and forth in agitation as both he and the Indian tried in vain to ignore the boy's cries. Jon sat forlornly on a bedroll across the room, his face beet red and puffy from the wet tears that cascaded from his eyes. His sobs were interrupted by a cough that didn't sound good to even Buck's untrained ears.

Sudenly, Madison picked up a firepoker and waved it at the boy. "If you don't shut the hell up, kid, I swear to God I'm gonna bash your brains in!" he hollered.

"The boy is scared, sick, and hungry," Creeping Fox spoke up from where he sat cross-legged in front of the small fire in the hearth. "He's little more than a baby, Thomas and babies cry."

"I didn't ask for your opinion, Injun!"

Creeping Fox stood. "Don't get rid of your insurance policy just yet," he said calmly as he strode to grab the firepoker from Madison's hand. "That boy is the only ace we have. Without him, Louise has no reason to bring the money and the evidence she stole to us. Those papers are our death certificate, you know that! I still don't understand why we didn't just steal the papers and the money and leave the country for a while. By making her part of the demands, you've just angered those Express riders and given them more reason to come after us with a posse!"

Madison stood up to his full height, not nearly tall enough to avoid having to look up to catch his henchman's gaze. "Because, this has never been just about the money and saving our necks. It's about revenge and using this little whore as an example to others who might get the same idea. And let me set one thing straight right now. You work for me not the other way around, therefore you do what I tell you, understand?" he spat. Madison walked away from the still Indian, oblivious to the soft curses Creeping Fox spewed in his native tongue, and picked up the whiskey bottle lying on the floor, taking a drink. "I want Louise McCloud and I will have her. She and this brat of hers are my property and I intend to make whatever profit form them I can."

"This cannot go on long, Madison," Creeping Fox said. "We cannot hole up here much longer. The child is sick and the supplies are running low. And I will not swing from the end of a rope."

The larger man turned with a sped belying his size and hurled the bottle he held. It shattered against the windowframe surrounding the window Buck peeped through and he ducked quickly. "Don't you think I know that?" Madison roared. He stabbed a finger in Jon's direction. "I will have my revenge!"

Buck slowly and quietly crept away from the window and into the darkness. He had to get back to the station and tell the others he'd found Madison's lair. He wanted nothing more than to barge in and rescue Jon himself but Madison and Creeping Fox were not only dangerous but crafty and may hurt Jon if he tried anything. No, he definitely needed reinforcements. Buck just hoped that Sam and his men had gotten there. He had a bad feeling about the outcome of this whole thing and, as he rode off in the direction of the waystation, he offered prayers of protection to every god he could think of.

It was early morning when Buck finally rode within sight of the waystation's windmill. As he'd suspected, the bunkhouse's occupants were already awake as he entered--and in much the same positions they'd been in when he'd left two days ago. Noah, Cody, and Ike sat at the table sipping what was probably their second or third cups of coffee. Jimmy sat on his bunk looking grim as he alternated his attention between the gun in his hands and the couple sitting by the window. Lou sat on Kid's lap in the rocking chair staring out the window again--or still, Buck wasn't sure-- with Kid's arms around her tightly as they rocked endlessly back and forth. Each of the men looked weary and haggard, at least a day's growth of stubble on their jaws. Sam and Teaspoon entered the bunkhouse behind him looking anxiously toward Buck, their eyes pleading for any news but bracing themselves for the worst.

"I found them," Buck said softly and immediately found himself the center of attention.

Later the same day.

Louise lay with her head in Kid's lap, his hands absently stroking her hair as they sat curled together on his bottom bunk. The others were scattered around the room, each of them looking the worse for their long days with little to no sleep. Rachel'd been up also going back and forth between tending Jeremiah and Theresa at the house and brewing pots of coffee for the men in the bunkhouse. They all knew what Madison wanted from Louise. None of them were willing to allow the woman to give herself to a monster like Madison, but their options were relatively few it seemed. Now they all sat in silence watching the sun come up through the windows and wracking their brains for some idea of what to do now that they knew the location of Madison's hideout.

There was a knock on the door and Lou grimaced when Rachel admitted the doctor. With an overly bright smile, he came over to the bed and knelt down to talk to Louise.

"How are we feelin' this mornin', sweetheart," he asked in a patronizing tone.

He thinks I'm nuts, she thought, annoyed. Probably only here to force some drug down my throat. "How the hell do you think I feel you idiot? My son is missing and my friend is dead," Lou answered harshly. "How would you feel?"

Kid tried hard not to laugh at the comment. It sounded much more like his Lou was back. Whether that was good or bad yet he didn't know. "Be nice," he whispered to her.

"Still distraught I see," Doc Stephens replied with an understanding smile. "Louise, Rachel tells me you haven't been sleeping for a couple days. Now, you need to get some sleep so, I need you to sit up and drink this for me like a good girl." He held out a small vial to her having mixed the laudanum in advance.

Louise did sit up but she shook her head. "I told you I'm not taking that," she spat angrily, bashing at his hand.

"Doc's right, Lou, you need to sleep," Teaspoon said softly. He was genuinely concerned about the young woman's health. When he'd returned from the wild goose chase Creeping Fox had sent him on, the others had told him about her episode of madness. She'd only slept for a few hours after nodding off in Kid's arms that night. She'd been awake ever since and that had been three days ago. If she didn't eat or sleep she'd make herself really sick. And to top it all off, Kid refused to leave her side which meant he too was running on coffee and hope. "If you don't take it willingly, we'll have to make you take it."

"You wouldn't," Lou challenged.

Teaspoon looked pointedly at Kid and Jimmy who lunged for an arm each even as Noah and Ike grabbed her ankles. The riders tried to hold onto her gently but Lou began to thrash around so violently that they had to tighten their grips.

"Just hold her still boys," the doctor admonished as he approached with the vial. "This is for your own good, Louise."

She began to cry in earnest, pleading with the men to let her go. "Please, you can't do this to me," Lou begged. "I can't take it. It'll hurt the baby!"

Kid was afraid she'd lost her senses again and lowered his voice into that gentle tone he used to calm Katy. "Lou, honey, you need to sleep. You're wore out and this'll help, trust me," he said.

"It can't hurt Jon, Louise. Jon's been kidnapped, remember?" the doctor prompted gently.

"I...ain't...talkin...about Jon," she ground out. "I'm talkin' about the other one." Lou turned her eyes to Kid's. "Please, Kid you can't let them do this to us!"

That brought them all up short looking at each other in confusion. What was she talking about?

"What other baby, Louise?" Rachel asked curiously from across the room.

"The one I'm carryin'. Now let me go!!"

The riders let go of her so suddenly that she fell forward off the bed and onto her knees on the floor. She looked up from her seat on the floor in bewilderment. In the silence, Lou gasped as she realized what she'd done, covering her mouth with her hand in horror. "Oh, my God," she moaned, beginning to rock back and forth again.

Kid stared down at her, his face blanked of all emotion. "W-what?" he stuttered. He could tell by the tortured look on her face that he hadn't imagined her words and that it was the God's honest truth. A baby. My baby, he thought as the knowledge slowly sank in. He was going to be a father for real. However, the joy that he should have felt at the moment fled as he read in her eyes that she hadn't meant for him to know. "You weren't gonna tell me?" he whispered, his eyes closing painfully.

Lou visibly shrank beneath the hurt accusation appearing in Kid's eyes. She wanted to run away, to sink into the floor and disappear forever, anything to avoid the look of betrayal in those eyes that had once adored her. It would serve you right if he never forgave you, if he could never love you again, she told herself. Why do I keep hurting everyone I love?

Rachel could sense the tension mounting between the couple. "Boys, go check on Theresa and Jeremiah over at the house and start gatherin' the breakfast things please," she suggested. When no one moved but turned to look at Kid who was in turn staring at Louise on the floor, the housekeeper's voice grew hard. "Alright, everybody out, now!" Rachel commanded in a voice that dared them to disobey.

She knelt next to Louise and pulled the distraught girl close as the others left. Looking at the pallor of Lou's face and the dark circles under her eyes, Rachel began to worry. She may not have agreed with the way Louise had chosen to do things, but the girl was like her own daughter and the housekeeper couldn't help but support her. It was no wonder the girl hasn't been herself these days, she thought. Her son's been kidnapped, her friend killed, her baby brother hurt, and she's pregnant to boot. "Honey, are you sure? Maybe you're just late," Rachel said hopefully.

"All the signs are there and the doc in Turtle Run told me for sure," Lou said despondently. "It's just like when I was carryin' Jon, except I've been sicker this time."

"You've known since Turtle Run? And you rode back knowin' full well you were carryin' that baby?!" Kid shouted angrily, finally losing his temper. "Hell, even I know you shouldn't ride in your condition. God, Lou were you tryin' to lose it?"

Lou flinched in Rachel's arms, the truth he didn't know lay behind his words raining down on her like blows. She closed her eyes unable to stop the large tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"Why the hell couldn't you tell me about this?" he demanded. "You promised me, you'd tell me if you were expectin'. Dammit, it's my child!"

"Kid! I know you're hurt and angry but can't you see you're just upsettin' her more?" Rachel hissed, gently stroking Lou's hair.

Gathering her strength, Lou pulled away from the motherly comfort of Rachel's embrace. "He's right," she said. She struggled to her feet fighting back a wave of nausea. The anger in Kid's voice had convinced her. Tonight, she'd get the money and the papers from their hiding place and get Jon away from Madison even if she had to kill him and Creeping Fox. Then, she'd collect Jeremiah and Theresa and leave. Kid didn't want her and from the sounds of things he certainly didn't want their baby. "You can stop worryin' about me or the baby. Just leave me alone!" she demanded, her voice rising to an almost hysterical pitch. "I wish I never met you, Kid. Even, better, you shoulda let that man at the Gold Dust kill me when you had the chance!" Louise turned with a sob and fled out the door without looking back.

Her flight startled Kid as her words soaked in. An unbidden image of Lou lying dead in a pool of her own blood came into his mind and he felt his skin crawl. He cursed himself for hurting her so much as he stared at the space where she'd been sitting. What had just happened? Was that really me saying those things to Lou, he asked himself. Kid felt like the narrator in a book about his own life observing the scene that had just taken place. He felt no connection to it at all, but knew that if he didn't go after Lou, he'd lose her forever. There was one moment of hesitation as Rachel glared at him before he dashed out the door after Lou. That's the mother of your child that just ran out the door, Kid!

"Lou!" Kid called, rushing out to the porch.

Lou, for her part, had barely made it to the end of the porch before she fell to her knees weakly. The nausea she could no longer fight overwhelmed her and the contents of her nearly empty stomach came churning up. When her stomach was empty, her body continued to heave as if to empty her of her very bones.

Watching Lou's tiny shoulders heaving, Kid's former anger at her left abruptly. He'd never seen her so sick, so helpless. Maybe if I hadn't yelled, he thought guiltily. Jimmy's right, she needs me. He moved to kneel at her side, holding her upright against him as the heaving began to ease off. "You okay, Lou?" Kid asked worriedly. "You want me to go get Doc?"

She shook her head and dug into her pocket for one of the dried mint leaves she'd taken to hiding there, slipping it into her mouth to chase away the bitter taste of bile. "It's just the morning sickness. There ain't nothin' he can do about it," Lou said softly. She held her stomach with shaking hands, unable to meet his eyes. "I don't know why I said that about wishing we'd never met. I didn't mean it."

"Lou, why did you say no?" Kid asked after several moments of silence. "I told you if anythin' happened I wasn't gonna let you go through it alone so why...?" He swallowed hard. "Did I do something? Is there someone else? Do you just not love me anymore or what?"

Louise looked at him sharply as she heard the deep hurt in his questions and raised her hand to touch his cheek before lowering it quickly, checking the gesture. She looked down in embarassment. "I got scared. You scare me," she admitted. "There's never been anyone else and there never will be. It wasn't about not loving you because I do. I think what scares me most is that I love you too much, so much that I'm losing myself. Everything I wanted to do and be, all my dreams have been lost in yours and in you. I don't know where you end and I begin, Kid, and it scares the hell outta me. I'm so afraid of being alone. I know you promise me you won't leave but Fate don't always listen to the promises we make in the dark. This makes no sense I know but it's the best I can do right now."

Kid said nothing for several minutes, twirling things over in his mind, trying to make some sort of decision. There was so much they had to work out. If Lou wouldn't marry him then what were they going to do about the baby? He couldn't leave her even if he wanted to. She loved him but wasn't ready for marriage. He wanted to be part of her life and a father to Jon and the coming child but he wanted to do what was right too.

Something Emma had said to him after his brother's death floated through his mind as if on a breeze. "Sometimes, you just gotta take things one day at a time," she'd said. She'd been talking about the grieving process but it seemed to fit the current situation as well. He sighed heavily. "I guess we'll just take things one day at a time," Kid told Louise. The arm around her shoulders squeezed her gently. "I love you and you love me. I guess that's all that matters for now. We'll figure out the rest as we go."

Louise threw her arms around his neck as he helped her stand weakly. He hesitated for a moment and she was afraid that he wouldn't return the gesture. Her heart leapt as his arms came up around her, holding her close as she buried her face in his shirtfront. "I'm sorry I'm not the woman you deserve," she said, her voice muffled.

Kid smiled burying his face in her hair as he kissed the top of her head. "Maybe, maybe not," he said noncomittally with a smile, "but you're the only woman I want. We're gonna get Jon back and tell him about his new baby brother or sister and then we'll start thinkin' about names and nurseries and all that stuff babies need." With a protective arm around Lou's shoulders, he led her back to the door.

"You know, it would be nice to name 'im after his daddy if it's a boy," Lou said, her anxiety about Jon briefly forgotten in her relief that Kid didn't hate her. "'Course it'd be nice if I knew what his daddy's name was."

"Nice try, Lou, but that's somethin' I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy let alone my own son."

"Damn! Well, ya can't blame a gal for tryin'."

Kid kissed her forehead. "No I guess not," he replied.

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