©Becca

Chapter XVI

"Miz McCloud, are you all right? Did you hear what I said? I said you're havin' a baby."

The voice seemed to come from some distant fog from someone else's life, but she'd heard the words alright. *Miz McCloud, I think congratulations are in order for you and your husband*, he'd said at first and she'd nearly laughed. Shows what you know, she wanted to say, I don't have a husband!

Louise sat in shock for almost a full five minutes with Turtle Run's little wizened doctor staring at her owl-like from behind his large spectacles. The bemused smirk on his face began to really annoy her and she was tempted to lash out and wipe it away. Oh, God please! It can't be true, it can't. But she knew it was. She'd pleaded everyday for the last week that the sickness was just the flu, but she couldn't ignore the changes in her body or the bone numbing fatigue that plagued her and made her nearly fall asleep at the supper table.

Doctor Matthews smiled sympathetically as he reached for her hand in a gesture of gentle support. She was a young pretty thing, couldn't have been married all that long. If she was even really married and he'd found evidence that she'd already had one pregnancy. It probably wasn't the most convenient time for a second pregnancy for a struggling young couple, especially if there's a toddler running around already. Of course, Matthews had seen a lot in his day and this girl wouldn't be the first unmarried, pregnant woman he'd seen come through his office. In his experience, most of them were good girls who'd just gotten impatient to experience life, not fully realizing the consequences. "Give him some time," he said gently.

The doctor's gentle voice startled Louise from her misery as she looked up at him. "You don't understand," she said softly shaking her head. "You just don't understand how bad this really is."

"Come now, you think you're the first girl in this world to get in the family way before she's wearin' a weddin' band?" he asked, smiling at her embarassment. "Every child is a gift from God no matter how he was conceived. Trust me, if this man's worthy of you, he'll come around no matter how shocked he is at first. It's hard for us when you ladies first tell us because it ain't our bodies changin'. The little one doesn't even seem real until you start to show and he starts to move. I don't care how bad the man is, when he feels that first kick, that first little movment under his hand, there ain't nothin' he won't do to protect that little one."

Louise left the doctor's office quickly after that. She still had mail to get through and she agonized about the return trip. Lou knew how fragile the baby was now and that a fast-paced ride back to Sweetwater could cause a miscarriage. But another part of her didn't care. There was no way she could have another baby now. She and Kid weren't married and, despite her fear of marriage and his insistence upon it, Louise didn't want to bring another child into the world as an unwed mother. Life was hard enough with Jon but with a two-year-old and another on the way? She'd have to quit the Express for sure and try to find some other work, probably scrubbing floors on her hands and knees for an occasional penny. I will not do that to another child, she vowed.

How can you even think of purposely risking your unborn child's life, Louise, her conscience cried. You'd be no better than those girls at the Gold Dust who used to go to those butchers. But there was no way out of making the return trip. She felt a horrible person for thinking it, but if the run did happen to cause her to lose the baby, she'd never even have to tell Kid about it. They could go on like nothing'd ever happened.

She'd walked blindly back to the hotel and straight to her room in a daze, oblivious to the curious looks of passersby. As the door shut behind her with a final click, she fell to her knees, the tears falling freely down her pale cheeks as she leaned her head heavily against the cool wood surface. "What am I gonna do?" she sobbed. "Oh, my God what am I gonna do?"

"Here ya go Harry," Lou shouted, trying to sound cheery as she passed the waiting rider the mochilla carrying the returning mail. He tossed a wave over his shoulder at her as he took off in a cloud of dust. Circling Lightning, she trotted the horse back towards the house where Cody waited to cool him down. With a weary smile, Louise slid off Lightning's back, nearly toppling facefirst in the dirt before steadying herself by grabbing Cody's hand.

"Hard ride, huh, Lou?" the jovial rider said sympathetically. Normally, the Turtle Run ride wasn't too bad, but the Sweetwater riders found themselves picking up the next station's rides as well, turning what once was a one day run into a three day journey of hard riding during the day and barely sleeping on the ground at night. The station's tiniest rider looked practically dead on her feet and Cody didn't envy what was awaiting her inside the bunkhouse.

To her chagrin, Louise yawned right in his face. She could barely keep her eyes open as the stress and strain of the last couple days began to catch up with her. At least the nausea had tamed down some on the way back. After losing any breakfast she might have been able to choke down, she was usually all right for the rest of the day. "Sorry," she apologized quickly. "Wasn't anything that a week of sleep wouldn't cure."

Cody shook his head as she started for the door. Knowing of the chaos on the other side, he quickly strode for the corral with Lightning following behind. "I'd stay out of sight if I was you Lightning," he suggested. "There ain't nothin' but a heap of trouble behind that door."

The minute Louise opened the door there was a rush of sound as what sounded like a multitude of the heavenly host all decided to talk at once. She was nearly toppled by the crush of all three children. Jon, in his hurry to get to the mother he missed, had gotten underfoot, fallen on his backside and gotten his hand trampled by Theresa. Theresa immediately ran to her sister and began begging to go into town for some new hair ribbons while Jeremiah, talking loudly so as to be overheard, began the old argument as to why Lou ought to have Kid teach him how to shoot. The cacophony continued for several moments as Lou's sleep addled brain fought to keep up and sort out what was going on. Jon continued to wail in pain and fear, Jeremiah and Theresa continued to try and outtalk one another, while Buck, Jimmy, and Charlotte were trying their best to look invisible as Louise's temper mounted. I can't handle this, she thought almost to the point of tears herself. All she wanted was to clean up and get some sleep in her own bed. Was that too much to ask?

With a loud sound of exasperation, she bent down and picked Jon up. Lou placed two fingers in her mouth and let loose a shrill, ear-splitting whistle. "One at a time!" she yelled angrily, her temper getting the best of her. "No, forget it; I can't handle this now. Charlotte, take all three of them into town for an hour or two." She dug into her pocket for her spare cash while juggling the still-crying Jon on her hip and handed the bills to her friend. "Get Theresa her hair ribbons. Jeremiah needs a new pair of trousers for church; the ones he has now are gettin' too short already. No, candy, and for the final time 'Miah, you are not gonna learn how to shoot a pistol until you're at least twelve or you can show me you're responsible enough to learn. We talked about this before and I ain't gonna change my mind!"

Charlotte came forward with exaggerated calm, hoping not to aggravate Louise's already frayed nerves. She suspected that something other than the duration of the ride had upset her friend. "Honey, are you sure you wanna do that--send them into town I mean?" she asked cautiously.

It had been almost six weeks since they'd all moved to Sweetwater and there'd been no signs of either Madison or Creeping Fox, despite Louise's vigilance and worry. Being Territorial Marshal, Sam didn't have the luxury to wait around in Sweetwater until either man made his move and had finally taken Emma back to their home in the capital, leaving strict instructions to send a rider there if Madison ever showed. To keep her identity a secret while she continued to ride for the Express, Louise was never in town at the same time as the children, whom they were all passing off as Charlotte's neice and nephews. Even Teaspoon thought it highly unlikely that Madison would try anything after this long. Still, Louise didn't like to take chances with her family's lives and had insisted on continued percautions.

"They'll be fine for an hour or two," Lou replied. She felt like the walls were caving in on her and she needed to get out quickly, so she passed Jon to Charlotte. Wearily, feeling more than a little guilty as she looked down into her son's tearful face, Lou stroked his hair, kissing his tiny hand. "Sorry, baby, but Mama's not feelin' real good right now. You go with Aunt Charlotte for a little while and when you get back, I promise Mama will feel better and will hold you all you want, okay?"

Louise could still hear his cries tugging at her heart as she left the bunkhouse and headed toward the barn. You're a horrible mother Louise McCloud, she told herself hatefully. And to think there's another one of those on the way, came the unbidden thought. She was forced to look up as she ran into someone standing in her path. Strong arms wrapped around her steadying her as she tottered.

"Hey, there," Kid said cheerfully, grinning from ear to ear. "Cody said you were back. I need to talk to you."

Rachel was shaking a tablecloth out on her porch and saw the two together. She'd been more than thrilled when Kid had come to her with his surprise, needing advice as how to best present it. However, she could see form the lines of weariness and the dullness in Louise's normally bright eyes that now was not the best time to spring something on her. Kid's happiness and excitement seemed to be overshadowing his powers of observation and judgment, though. "Uh, Kid, now's probably not a good time for what you've got planned," she spoke up.

"Kid, I'm really tired. Can we talk in a couple hours?" Lou asked, almost whining.

He grabbed her hand and started pulling her toward Teaspoon's shed. "It'll just take a couple minutes, I promise," he said, ignoring Rachel's warning.

"Oh, dear," Rachel muttered as the couple walked away. She really hoped neither of them left that shed crushed beyond repair.

Kid stopped as they stepped into the dim interior. Nervously, he glanced around to make sure no one was eavesdropping as he fumbled with the soft bag in his pocket. "There's somethin' I been meanin' to ask you."

Louise sighed deeply, wishing he'd make this quick. However, she began to pick up on his little nervous habits--his feet shuffling, the tips of his ears tinged pink as he fumbled with something in his pocket. "What is it Kid?" she asked, suddenly nervous and fearful as well, especially when he grabbed her hand.

Kid swallowed hard as he lowered to one knee, removing the tiny ring from the bag he'd pulled out of his pocket. Lou's eyes got wide and he could feel her hand shaking as she watched him, her teeth unconsciously worrying the inside of her bottom lip. He'd never felt so vulnerable in his life as he looked up into the eyes of the woman he knew was the other half to make him whole. "Will you marry me, Lou?"

For thirty seconds there was absolutely no sound but the sound of their breathing and the beating of their hearts. Suddenly, his words sunk into Lou's consciousness. She gave a short pained cry, wrenching her hand from his, and walked away to stare out the door, leaving Kid still kneeling in hurt confusion.

After a few moments of shock, he understood that her actions spoke louder than her words and knew what her answer was to his question. He was absolutely numb, his emotions dead inside of him. His heart beat, he breathed but he might as well be dead. And then the pain and humiliation hit and he nearly doubled over with the physicality of it. Kid had never wanted to cry so much since he was a child but, like then, his pride refused to let him. Slowly, he got to his feet, placing the ring in the crushed velvet bag the jewler had handed him over a week ago.

Horrible memories of her parents assailed Louise as she stared into space in the aftermath of Kid's bombshell. She knew how tortured Kid had been about the intimacy of their relationship. It wasn't right, he kept telling her, wasn't proper. Louise should've seen this coming. A part of her had wanted so badly in those first seconds to say yes, but the fear had overwhelmed her.

How could he do this to me? I told him I wasn't ready yet; he knows how I feel! Why couldn't he just be patient with me? Why does everything have to be on his terms, she thought angrily. But what about the baby, his baby, her conscience demanded, the baby you don't want to raise alone? It was a mistake; we were a mistake, she told herself. I'll have to quit anyway since nothing happened on the run. I could take Jon and the gremlins and start over somewhere else. He'd never even have to know about the baby.

Louise winced as she caught herself using his nickname for the three children. If it was a mistake then why did it hurt so much to see the light fade from his eyes?

"It's not gonna work, is it?" Kid mumbled softly, startling her as he stepped closer.

She wanted so much to reach a hand out and touch his face, to erase the pain and hurt he couldn't hide from her. "I'm not ready," she whispered, her voice hurting her tight throat. Lou wouldn't cry, didn't want him to see how much this really hurt her.

Unconsciously, she looked to him for some kind of guidance. "What're we gonna do?"

"Go back to the way things were, I guess."

"Do you think we can?"

No, Kid thought. Nothing will ever be the same. "I don't know," he answered aloud.

"I guess we just went too far too fast, huh?"

He said nothing but just looked at her and yet she still loved him. Unable to hold herself back anymore, Louise threw her arms around his neck in a tight hug. Kid couldn't bring himself to return the embrace, his arms hanging at his sides as he stared hollowly at some point over her shoulder.

The total lack of reaction to her touch unnerved Louise more than anything, knowing that at one time her touch had the power to excite or calm him. Impulsively, she gently kissed his neck, as she pulled away to risk looking into his eyes. There was a time when she could see herself and all his hopes and dreams there but no longer. I did that to him, she thought.

Slowly, with the finality of the grave, he pulled away from her and walked out of the shed. Follow him, her heart screamed, but Lou couldn't move. Welling tears blurred her vision of him as he walked out of her life for what was probably the last time.

To chapter 17
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