©Becca

Chapter X

Jimmy Hickok had walked into the saloon just to get a glass of milk and a sandwich and soon found himself leaving with hot tempered murderer in tow who'd drunkenly called him out because he didn't like Jimmy's looks. When he'd found out the rider's last name, Hughes had been anxious to go down in history as the man who shot Wild Bill. However, he'd been so drunk that he'd passed out completely before ever firing a shot. Jimmy'd hauled the man into the back and tied him up, waiting for Hughes to come to so he could walk to the sheriff's office.

While the sheriff was acquainting Mr. Hughes with his new home, Jimmy sat at the front of the office looking around at the wanted posters hung there.

"Well, the town thanks ya kindly for gettin' this animal off the streets," the sheriff said as he walked back into the outer office and approached his desk. "Hughes was too drunk to do much killin' but he certainly did annoy the townsfolk a bit. A smellier man I don't think my jail's ever seen."

Jimmy had to laugh despite the somber mood the man's attack had put him in. "I'd be willin' to bet that my horse sees soap and water more often than he does," he replied. Jimmy stood and shook the sheriff's hand. "Well, if that's all I'll be headin' out."

"Before you go, could you take a batch of these posters to Marshal Hunter for me?" the sheriff asked. "They come in the other day and normally I'd take 'em on out to Teaspoon myself, but now I gotta babysit that thing in there 'til his trial."

Hickok took the pile of posters. "No problem, sheriff," he replied. He started out the door but paused on the sidewalk as something from one of the posters caught his eye. Jimmy looked closer at them, pulling out the second one in the pile. The picture was of a woman, a rareity in and of itself, but this woman was beautiful and seemed familiar. Her features were petite, her dark hair in ringlets that fell over her bare shoulder. The nose was different, but there was no mistaking those large eyes. Fearfully, Jimmy glanced at the name at the bottom and nearly fell over backwards as he read it. He had to get back to Sweetwater as quickly as possible.

Louise sighed in boredom and frustration. After her little fainting spell the other day, Rachel had insisted that she take it easy which meant no chores and no rides. However, that left little else for Lou to do to pass the time. And to add to her frustration and guilt over what had happened between her and the Kid, Amber had decided to pay a call on the station. Currently all three women were in the bunkhouse. Lou was curled up on Kid's lower bunk reading, or trying to read, while Amber and Rachel were busy getting supper ready for them all. Conveniently, all the male riders had made themselves scarce in what had to be one of the smartest tactical moves ever made.

"Well, I certainly hope you're feelin' better Lou," Amber said with a smile as she snapped green beans into a bowl at the table. "Rachel said you'd fainted yesterday."

Amber's overly cheerful voice was starting to grate on Lou's already frazzled nerves. She wouldn't rest easy until she'd seen Jon who was constantly on her mind. She turned a page in the novel, a page she'd really never read a word of. "I'm fine," she said shortly with a polite but empty smile. "'Course no one listens to me when I tell them that."

"Now, Louise you and I both know that you don't faint," Rachel replied turning away from the small stove where the evening's soup was cooking. "I just don't want you takin' any chances. However, if you'd really like to fall down and get a concussion, I can cut straight to the chase and smack you upside the head like I threatened Noah I'd do." Rachel knew that Lou's testiness had really only come about because of Amber's presence. In fact, she couldn't blame Louise for her original hostility towards the girl, but Amber had stopped insulting Lou a while ago and seemed to genuinely be trying to get to know her.

"I know Rachel, I'm sorry," Lou said with a sheepish look. "I'm just not used to doin' nothin' ya know, especially when I feel fine. I don't mean to snap, I just got a lot on my mind is all."

Rachel walked over and sat next to her on the bunk, throwing a companionable arm around her friend's shoulders. She could see the heavy thoughts turning in Lou's mind, the way she stared off in the distance unseeingly. Something serious had happened in the bunkhouse after she and Noah had left the other day but neither Lou nor the Kid would mention anything about it. Both riders looked depressed, watching each other hungrily when the others weren't looking. Rachel hadn't missed the last look Kid had thrown in Lou's direction before heading off to town to watch Teaspoon's office. It was the same look her husband Henry had thrown at her on many a passionate night. But there was a sadness and a hopelessness in their expressions that moved her beyond words. They were undoubtedly in love with each other but for some reason, neither could move to commit themselves to each other.

She squeezed Lou gently. "Don't worry, Louise," she soothed. "What is meant to be will be no matter how hard you try and stop it."

Amber watched the two friends jealously. What she wouldn't give for a relationship like theirs. None of her girlfriends was the type she felt she could trust with anything. Ever since she'd made good on her promise to Kid to be nicer to Lou, she'd seen why they were such good friends, why all the riders were so eager to protect her. Louise McCloud was a good friend, no doubt about it, but everything Amber tried in order to get closer to her seemed to backfire. She'd thought that without the snide remarks Lou would give her another chance. Unfortunately, Amber's first impression seemed to be the lasting one and her frustration with the situation was growing. She decided on another tactic.

"Lou, if you don't mind me askin', is your little boy...his name's Jonathan right...is he okay?" Amber asked sincerely.

Lou and Rachel's heads snapped around to look at her. Rachel bore a stunned look, while Lou's expression of shock and horror slowly changed to one of anger, suspicion and defensiveness. "How'd you find out about him? Who told you?" she challenged, her voice rising in desperation as she rose from the bunk and began stalking toward Amber. How dare she try and use my son to get rid of me, Lou thought.

Amber rose in fear at the look on Lou's face. Caught, Lou stalking her like some predatory animal, Amber hurried to cover up how she'd obtained the knowledge. She'd felt truly guilty after making those promises to Kid and trying to turn over a new leaf, but she knew that Louise would never understand her privacy being violated even if Amber apologized. "I...I... well, actually Kid told me," she answered quickly. "He swore me to secrecy and I'd never tell a soul, Lou. I've changed since we met, since I really got to know you and like you. I just hoped that somethin' hadn't happened to make you worry about him, 'cause I know that if I had a little one livin' away from me that I'd be worried all the time about 'im."

Lou stopped walking toward Amber, her expression changing slightly into one of outrage and betrayal. "How could he tell you?" Lou asked quietly. "He promised me!" She turned on her heel and headed for the door. "Why that no good, rotten son-of-a-"

"Louise!" Rachel scolded loudly as she rose from the bunk. "You know better than to use that kind of language around here! And before you go off to kill the Kid, you've got some explainin' to do here young lady." She stood with her hands on her hips as Lou turned around to face her at the door, making it perfectly clear that if Lou wanted to make it out of the bunkhouse alive she'd explain everything right then and there.

Her anger dying down a bit in the face of Rachel's well-known wrath, Lou slowly made her way back to the table and sat down, her head hidden in her hands.

"Now, first of all, you owe Amber an apology. All she was doin' was tryin' to be nice by bein' concerned about you. She's grown up and decided to start over by tryin' to be your friend while all you've been doin' is actin' childish by not lettin' by gones be by gones." Rachel sat next to her young friend and felt a twinge of guilt at the way Lou's shoulders slumped. She rubbed Lou's back. "Then you can tell Amber and me about your son," she said softly. "Nothing you say will go out of this room, we swear."

Lou sighed deeply before looking up tentatively. There was no getting out of it now. The fact that Kid had told her secret, a secret he'd sworn to keep hurt her beyond anything she'd ever felt. She'd trusted him after living for years without trusting a single soul other than Charlotte and now he'd broken that trust. She looked at the sympathy and understanding in Amber's green eyes and realized just how childish she had been.

She looked down at the table again and swallowed her pride. "Amber, look Rachel's right. I do owe you an apology for actin' like a spoiled brat. What you used to say to me really hurt and when you stopped sayin' those things, well, I saw it as a chance for me to get even a little," Lou said. "Can we just start all over again?"

Amber smiled and reached a hand over to touch Lou's where it lay on the tabletop. "I'd like that," she said. "Don't be too mad at Kid, Lou. He didn't tell me voluntarily. He'd been carryin' this secret around and you know how he hates lyin', it just eats away at him. Finally he let it slip accidentally while we were talkin' and I badgered him until he told me." She prayed that what she'd said could salvage Kid's friendship with Louise. Amber wasn't blind, she could see how inportant their friendship was to him, how unhappy he'd be if they weren't friends.

"Kid's another matter," Rachel said, quickly changing the subject. She herself was a little hurt that her friend hadn't trusted her enough to tell her about the boy herself. Rachel had thought they shared everything with each other. "Why didn't you tell me you had a son, Louise?" she asked sadly.

Lou glanced at her friend. "I haven't told anyone other than Kid and he only knows because he saw him in St. Joe," Lou said quietly. "It wasn't that I don't trust you Rachel. It's that I was afraid if anyone found out I'd definitely be fired. It's one thing to be a woman ridin' for the Express but another thing entirely to have a child depending on your salary. I didn't see any way for Teaspoon to let me stay on even if he wanted to. You can't tell him Rachel, please!"

Against her better judgement, Rachel agreed with a nod, feeling better as some of the tension left Lou's frame. With a smile, she placed a hand on Lou's arm. "Now, tell me about this little boy of yours."

"Well, he's about two-and-a-half, his full name is Jonathan Matthew McCloud, and he was born on a very cold December 12 in '59 after twenty-two hours of labor," Lou replied, a soft whistful smile on her face as she spoke of her pride and joy. Jon was the one good thing she'd ever done in her life and although she'd always regret the conditions under which he was conceived, she'd never regret having him. "He lives in Seneca with Charlotte and my brother and sister."

"What does he look like?" Amber asked excitedly. He'd been beautiful as a tiny baby, she remembered from the picture in Lou's trunk but she wondered what he looked like as a toddler. She'd always loved children and it amazed her that this tiny woman who was younger than she was had one who was over two years old. It was no wonder, Kid accompanied Lou on her trips to Seneca. Children loved him.

"Charlotte and Kid tell me Jon looks just like me. He's got these huge beautiful brown eyes and my hair but in soft curls," Lou said. "He's so smart, Rachel. Every time we visit, he's drawn tons of pictures for Kid and me and he talks really well for two-and-a-half. Oh, and he loves to giggle and run--usually away from me at bathtime."

The women laughed at the picture. "Kid lets him climb all over him. The two of them are inseparable from the moment we walk in the door. He was sick with pneumonia, that's what that letter was about and why I fainted the other day," Lou admitted sheepishly. "I forgot to read the part Charlotte wrote about Jon's fever having broken and him getting better."

"So you're a widow then?" Amber asked. She looked at the petite woman before her, sorrow and compassion filling her heart at the thought of losing someone you loved at so young an age. Amber couldn't imagine what she'd do if Kid died leaving her with a small child to raise on her own. "I'm so sorry. Poor little Jon having to grow up not knowing his Daddy."

Louise fidgeted in her seat and looked away uncomfortably. "Jon's father wasn't my husband," she said softly. "I've never been married." She looked back up, her jaw tight and determined looking, a fierceness in her dark eyes. You can't change the past and Lou'd be damned if she'd hang her head for the difficult decisions she'd had to make to stay alive.

"Oh," Amber replied simply. He'd gotten her in trouble, Amber thought.

Rachel's own curiosity was great but she said nothing. She'd known so many girls like Louise in her life, girls who trusted and loved a man who used them and threw them away. The haunted look in the younger woman's eyes was a look she'd seen hundreds of times, the mark of a survivor. She watched with gentle eyes as Lou stood abruptly and walked to gaze out the window.

Lou sighed. You've come this far, might as well tell the whole story, she thought. "I've never told anyone the whole story before," she said softly. "When I was fourteen, I ran away from an orphanage in St. Jo so I could find work and save enough money to get a place to raise my brother and sister. There was no work to be found for a fourteen-year-old girl and the winter was really bad that year. I was secretly sleeping in the livery stable at night when a man named Simon Wicks found me. He offered me a job doing laundry. He took me to this huge fancy house where a lot of ladies lived. I was too young to realize what kind of place it was and by the time I did, it was too late. I'd signed a contract. He left me alone for the better part of a year until one night...." Lou trailed off with a shudder, allowing the curtain she'd been holding to fall from her fingers as she continued to stare straight ahead.

Rachel knew where the story was going. She closed her eyes painfully and when she opened them she looked at Amber. She'd never seen the girl so conflicted.

Amber's face was pale with nausea and it was apparent that she too could see the end in her mind. Horror and outrage shown in her blazing green eyes. All the things she'd said about Louise, Amber just realized how hurtful they truly had been and felt sick at the thought. She knew that that Wicks man must have abused Louise. Oh, God, she was only fifteen, she thought horrified. She was just a child! Tears pricked her eyes and she glanced at Rachel to see the same shining wetness in the stationmistress' hazel orbs.

"No one but Wicks touched me for six weeks," Lou continued tonelessly, her voice sounding far away even to her. There were some details of the story that she couldn't possibly tell Amber and Rachel: how Wicks had offered her to his partner Thomas Madison who'd beaten her to a pulp when she'd thrown up after he'd used her, how Wicks had thrown her down the stairs when she'd told him about the baby in an effort to make her miscarry. "By then I'd found out I was expecting and we struck up a deal. Wicks wouldn't make me work with the men if I served drinks and dealt cards until I started to show. He set up a house for us and told me that the baby was not to leave the house. He saw Jon voluntarily only once and never once acknowledged he was the father of my son. Wicks was...he died shortly before I came here."

Neither of the women noticed Lou's slip as she spoke of her tormentor's demise. She laughed slightly as her inner eyes remembered how Jon had soaked both her and Kid while they tried to bathe him on their last visit. He'd insisted that Kid tell him a story before bed, so she'd left them to their storytelling. When she'd checked back later both Kid and Jon were sound asleep curled together on Jon's little bed. "Kid's more Jon's daddy than Simon ever was," Lou said with an ironic smile. Who would he call Daddy, she wondered tragically.

"I'm sorry, Louise," Amber said quietly. "I didn't mean to bring up such painful memories for you. Me and my big mouth started trouble again."

Lou walked back to the table and sat back down. Rachel threw an arm around her shoulders and squeezed, knowing sometimes words just weren't enough. "It's all right Amber," Lou replied. "You can't change the past. I never realized just how big a millstone that secret was until I told it. Not one day goes by that I don't regret my choices but at the time they were the only ones I could make. Bein' Jon's mama is the best and most important thing I've ever done. Becoming a mother makes you grow up fast and in ways you could never have imagined. He's my light in the darkness."

"And you're a very good mother, Louise," Rachel said emotionally. "Love means you put someone else's needs and wants before yours."

There's gotta be an explanation, Jimmy thought desperately as he glared at the wanted poster willing it to change before his eyes. The poster was wrinkled from his turning it over and over in his hand. If he got rid of it, Lou's secret would be safe and they wouldn't lose her. However, throwing away a wanted poster when you knew the person was most definitely against the law, especially when they were wanted for murder. But if he did the "right" thing, it meant that Lou'd not only be fired but she could quite possibly hang for a crime she may or may not have committed. If anyone understood about trumped up charges and stories, it was James Butler Hickok.

There was no way she'd murder a man in cold blood, the compassionate woman just didn't have it in her. Oh, she had no problems reconciling herself to shooting in self-defense. In fact, Jimmy sometimes wondered if she was better at reconciling her actions than even he was. She never seemed to feel the immense guilt he always felt at taking a life even in self-defense.

He was standing at the back of Teaspoon's office during his deliberations. I ain't cut out for these morality issues, he thought wryly. Maybe he should've confided in Kid and asked for his help. Kid never seemed to have problems doing what was right except when it came to Lou and Amber. Hmm, maybe seeking Kid's advice wasn't such a good idea considering this was about Lou. Jimmy suddenly heard some movement inside the office and made a split second decision. Quickly, he folded the paper up and buried it in the middle of a pile of old posters in a box by the door waiting to be burned. He glanced around to make sure no one had seen his actions before picking up his dropped saddlebags and walking around to the front of the building.

Chapter 11
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