Original photos used with the written permission of the owner.

DEMONS

by Kim Roberts

© 2000

CHAPTER 4

"Thanks, Lou," Emily said, accepting the cup of coffee.

Lou poured herself a cup and took a seat directly across from Emily at the table. Although Emily wasn't a beauty, her attractive, honest and open spirit more than made up for her lack of fancy clothes or the latest hairstyle. Unlike some of the other boys, Ike had been more attracted to the sincerity of a woman's smile than the amount of rouge on her lips. Emily had been perfect for Ike and Lou had liked her immediately.

"Where have you been, Emily?" Lou asked, her concern for the young woman across the table evident in her voice. "We've been worried about you."

"I know I should have written," Emily began, "but I just wasn't thinkin' clearly for a while."

Emily hesitated for a moment before continuing, "I guess losing my father and Ike so suddenly was too much to take and I just started wanderin'. I ended up in a hotel in Marietta, locked myself in the room and cried until I couldn't cry anymore."

Lou reached across the table and placed her hand on Emily's, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Emily managed a brief smile as she looked into the compassionate eyes of the young woman seated opposite her. Emily had not made many friends in her life. Her father's drifting nature had made it impossible. They were never in one place long enough to establish a friendship. Emily had only known Lou for a very short time but felt that, given the chance, they could be good friends. Even if Ike had not told her Lou's secret, it would have been impossible for Emily not to see through her disguise. It surprised Emily that Lou had been able to continue her charade for so long. Lou was obviously a woman- a young woman in love. It was impossible for Emily to miss. It wasn't that long ago she had been a woman in love, too.

"Are you alright now, Emily?"

"I'm better," Emily answered confidently. Her confidence began to waver as she continued, "I still miss them both so much. But … I can't change anything."

Emily hesitated briefly, "I just wanted you all to know that I really did love Ike and I feel terrible about what happened. I know it was only a short time and you may not think that I could love him so quickly but…"

"You don't need to explain, Emily," Lou assured her.

"I thought I would have Ike forever," Emily said with a wistful look in her eyes. "We would get married, have a bunch of kids, live happily ever after. But, I guess it just wasn't meant to be."

"What are you going to do now?"

Emily drew a deep breach, "I've found a buyer for my father's place. I thought about running it on my own, but it's just too much, so I'm going to Illinois. My mother's family is there."

"The boys and I would be happy to help out if you wanted to stay in Rock Creek," Lou offered.

"I know you would. But I don't want to be a burden." Emily smiled softly at her new friend, "I'm gonna try to get on with my life. My stage leaves in an hour. I just wanted to say good bye before I left."

Buck was relieved to finally be allowed out of bed. He had felt so odd the day before. The laudanum had caused him to awaken with the same foggy feeling, but it didn't last too long. To his relief, he found that he was able to move around a bit without the stabbing pains in his chest. They had been reduced to a dull ache assuring Doc Barnes that no other injuries were present. But by mid-afternoon, he felt terrible. Kid had tried to offer some company but Buck was in such an irritable mood that carrying on a conversation was impossible. Kid had finally given up and excused himself to get ready for his run, attributing his friend's moodiness to being confined to bed for too long. Out of boredom, Buck grabbed one of the books on the table next to him and tried to read, but the words wouldn't hold still. They seemed to jump around the page. He couldn't concentrate on them, anyway, with the constant ringing in his ears. It was the strangest feeling Buck ever had, almost like everything in side of him was moving too fast. He felt nervous and jittery but couldn't understand why. The need to escape the strange feelings was finally too much and he reached for the bottle of laudanum as the quickest way to induce a numbing sleep.

Moving was still painful so Buck didn't venture further than the barn, but it was good to breathe some fresh air. He spent some time watching the new foal that arrived during the night as she struggled to gain her footing and take her first wobbly steps under her mother's protective gaze. Buck found himself smiling, in spite of himself, at her awkward attempts.

Though only mid-morning, he was beginning to tire and headed back to the bunkhouse to rest. His heart jumped into his throat as he opened the door and saw Emily and Lou at the table.

"What is she doing here?" he demanded, addressing Lou rather than Emily.

"Hello, Buck," Emily said, a bit uneasily. "Lou told me you were hurt. Are you feelin' better?"

"She has no right to be here," Buck stated indignantly, ignoring Emily's question.

"Buck that was rude," Lou answered curtly. "Emily has every right to visit any time she wants. She's a friend."

Buck's expression turned from displeasure to outright anger as he noticed Ike's sketch pad on the table. "What are you doing with this?" he demanded, reaching between the two young women for the pad of paper.

"I found it in the trunk when I put Ike's things away the day after you fell. I thought it would be nice to frame some of his drawings so we could all enjoy them. Emily might want some of them, too," Lou answered, her tone showing her displeasure with Buck's self-righteousness.

"They aren't yours to give away, Lou. She gets Ike killed and now you want to give her his things?" Buck replied briskly as he walked across the bunkhouse and placed the sketch pad under his bunk.

Lou was ready to give Buck a piece of her mind about his attitude, but Emily grabbed her arm before she could get to her feet. "It's alright, Lou." Turning toward Buck, Emily continued, "I know you are angry, Buck. But I loved him, too. I understand how you feel."

Buck advanced toward Emily like a predator stalking its prey, his dark eyes smoldering. "You knew him for a week," he began, his voice low and strangely calm. "We were best friends since we were thirteen years old and now he's dead because of you. Don't you ever dare think you know how I feel."

Emily bowed her head, nervously shielding her eyes from Buck's hate filled glare. She blamed herself and regretted the actions that had lead to Ike's death. Still, to hear Buck accuse her was almost too much to bear. Lou was stupefied by Buck's cruel words and simply stared at him in disbelief.

Buck was surprised at his behavior, too, and stood for a moment, clutching his injured chest, not quite knowing what to do. The tension in the air was almost visible as he finally turned away from them and left the bunkhouse.

After a moment, Emily looked up at Lou, tears of guilt and grief threatening to spill from her brown eyes. "I really did love Ike, Lou."

"I know you did, Emily. I know."

Buck leaned back against the bunkhouse, his arms wrapped around his throbbing chest as he tried to calm himself. How could Lou have done this? He thought she understood how he felt. She knew how painful losing Ike had been for him. Now she was sharing a cup of coffee and making small talk with the person responsible for his death! To make matters worse, Lou was giving Emily Ike's things! Emily didn't deserve his possessions. Buck felt he had more of a right to them than she did.

He needed to get away from them, away from the sound of their voices and Lou's betrayal. Buck's eyes searched the station for a quiet place of escape and headed for the barn, but stopped abruptly as Rachel emerged from the house and also walked in that direction. Still holding a grudge about Ike's trunk, he instead turned away from the station and headed into town. He had no particular destination in mind; he just needed to get away.

He walked along the sidewalk, not really paying attention to where he was or where he was going. The noises of Rock Creek buzzed all around him, but he didn't hear them. Buck bumped into Nellie Wadkins as she left Thompkins store, upsetting her shopping basket, the contents spilling onto the sidewalk and out into the street. The elderly woman and Thompkins both took offense to his carelessness.

"Watch where you are going, young man!" Mrs. Wadkins said critically.

"I'm sorry," Buck offered quietly as he knelt down to retrieve the spilled merchandise, grimacing at the pain the movement caused.

"Get on out of here, Cross, before I charge you for the damaged goods!" shouted Thompkins. "And if you can't stay out of the way of decent white folk then just stay away!"

Buck slowly rose to his feet, glaring at the storekeeper. There were so many things he wanted to say to that man, but not now. He held his tongue. He couldn't deal with Thompkins, Lou and Emily all at once. Buck turned away without another word and continued down the sidewalk, his chest aching, anger and humiliation boiling inside of him.

Lou and Emily's voices followed him.

"No you don't know how I feel," Buck said aloud, causing a perplexed look from the couple he brushed against on the sidewalk.

"Good to see you up and about, Buck," Doc Barnes said as Buck stopped to rest against a porch post in front of the open door of the physician's office. "Come in here a minute."

Hearing his name, Buck turned to locate the source of the voice. Doc Barnes sat at his roll top desk in the waiting area of his office, taking a break from the stack of papers in front of him when the young Indian caught his attention.

"What is it, Doc?" Buck asked, a little annoyed that his retreat had been interrupted.

"Marshall Hunter stopped by earlier and asked me to check your bandages. He thought they might be a little too tight now that you are up and movin' around," Doc explained noticing the boy was having a little difficulty catching his breath.

"It's not a good time right now, Doc."

"Nonsense, it'll just take a minute," Doc insisted getting out of his chair. "Humor an old man, Buck. It will save me havin' to go to the station later."

"Doc…"

"C'mon, you're already here," he insisted, motioning for Buck to follow him.

Buck really wasn't in the mood for this, but he genuinely liked Doctor Barnes. He was one of the few people in Rock Creek who didn't care about Buck's heritage. Perhaps it took a doctor to understand there was more to a person than skin color. Buck sighed and reluctantly followed the physician into his examining room.

"Take your shirt off and have a seat right there," the doctor ordered, pointing to his examination table. "Need some help?"

"I'll manage," Buck replied as he slowly complied with the doctor's request.

Buck looked around the room as Doc Barnes removed his bandages. It was a bright, clean room full of shelves and cabinets that held a variety of glass bottles and containers. An unidentifiable smell was present in the room. Buck assumed it was a mixture of odors from the contents of the bottles. He thought for a moment how different this office was from the teepee of the Kiowa medicine man and wondered briefly which man's medicine was stronger.

"I must say, Buck, I think this is the biggest bruise I've ever seen," the doctor remarked as he examined the black and blue mark across Buck's chest and shoulder. "Still causing a lot of pain?"

Buck nodded his head.

"Well, you got off pretty lucky. Miracle you didn't break more than a few ribs," Doc Barnes commented as he retrieved a supply of fresh bandages from one of the cabinets on the wall. "Now, I've told Marshall Hunter, but I'm gonna tell you, too. I don't want you on a horse for at least another three weeks. Then we'll see. Gotta give these bones a chance to heal some before you go jarring 'em over an Express trail. These bandages need to stay on….."

Buck tried to pay attention to the Doctor's instructions but his mind began to wander. No matter how hard he tried to shut them out, Lou and Emily's words would not leave him alone. He was tired and beginning to feel that strange nervousness again. For a moment he considered asking the doctor about it, but decided against it. He was just tired.

"By the way," Doc Barnes continued, "I saw that young woman your friend was smitten with in town today. Emily was her name wasn't it?"

Buck asked sharply, "What?"

"I said, I saw Ike's young lady today," Doc Barnes repeated. "They made a nice couple. Too bad things turned out the way they did," he added thoughtfully. Remembering Teaspoon's comment a few days earlier, he asked, "Are you holding up alright?"

Buck was surprised by the question and quickly answered, "I'm fine."

Doc Barnes looked at the young Indian skeptically. He knew that wounds to the soul required as much attention as any to the flesh. Problem was, they were much more difficult to see.

Buck clenched his teeth as the doctor began to wrap the bandages around his throbbing chest. He glanced around the room trying to focus on something to take his mind off the pain and the words repeating in his mind.

Buck's eyes rested on a familiar glass bottle in the cabinet on the opposite wall. He looked away, but he was drawn back to the bottle of laudanum remembering the pleasant, comforting feeling the medicine had brought. He still felt a bit apprehensive about taking it, but, he had to admit, it worked wonders. Buck knew he would feel better with just a little sip of the medicine, but his bottle was back in the bunkhouse and so were Lou and Emily.

Doc Barnes finished his work and helped Buck slip into his shirt. To Buck's surprise he had trouble getting the buttons through the buttonholes. His fingers didn't seem to cooperate and his hands were shaking slightly. His eyes were drawn back to the cabinet on the wall.

"Are you gettin' some rest, Buck, or is the pain keeping you awake?" Doc asked from across the room as he placed the extra bandages back in the cabinet.

Buck hesitated for a moment before answering. "Here's your chance," he heard from somewhere inside him.

"The medicine helps me sleep. But…I knocked the bottle over last night and it spilled. Could I have another one?"

"Well, I don't see why not, but only for a couple more nights. I don't want you takin' too much of it." Doc said as he opened the top drawer of the small desk next to the window. Buck watched as he removed a small key and unlocked the glass door of the wall cabinet.

"Here you are. Remember, just a little bit for another night or two. No more than this much," he said, marking an imaginary line around the bottle before handing the laudanum to Buck. "I'll put it on the station's bill."

"Uh, Doc, I'll just pay you for it…since it was my fault," Buck answered uneasily, holding the bottle tightly so he wouldn't drop it.

"Suit yourself," Doc answered as he locked the cabinet and placed the key back in the drawer. "I'll talk to the Marshall later to let him know how much more you can take."

"Um, Doc, I'm headed to Teaspoon's office now. I'll tell him," Buck said quickly, hoping his lie didn't sound like one.

Buck paid the doctor the required amount and hastily left the office. He rounded the corner of the building and leaned back against the brick wall. Buck never lied, and wasn't very happy with his behavior, but it had gotten him what he wanted. Glancing around to make sure no one was watching, he removed the cork from the bottle and took a quick drink. Buck began to feel the warm waves of security wash over him once more. Within a few minutes, the unwanted voices began to float away. He unbuttoned the cuff of his shirt and slid the bottle into the sleeve, cupping his hand around the bottom of the bottle to hold it securely. For some reason he felt like he needed to hide it. Perhaps it was because of the dishonest way it was obtained.

Buck glanced around the station for Lou but didn't see her. He assumed she was still in the bunkhouse with her new "friend". He wanted to rest for a while but not if they were there. He noticed Rachel hanging out a load of laundry and headed for the barn in search of a quiet place but instead found Cody brushing his horse.

"Hey, Buck!" Cody called, a wide grin covering his face. "I hear I missed the excitement in the barn the other night. Was you tryin' to fly or somethin'?"

Buck found no humor in Cody's remark and his expression told the cocky rider so. Cody assumed Buck was in a "mood" and thought it best not to provoke him further.

"So, are you alright? What happened?" he asked in a more serious tone.

"I'm fine, Cody," Buck replied brusquely. "I don't want to talk about it."

All he really wanted was to be alone someplace quiet and with Cody in the barn it certainly wasn't going to be quiet. The bunkhouse was out of the question, too, as long as Lou and Emily were there. He decided the only option was to leave.

"Alright, just kinda strange is all," Cody said in disappointment. He really liked a good story, and whatever happened to cause Buck to fall out of the hayloft was probably a good story. Cody decided he would simply wait and get the details from one of the other boys. He finished grooming his horse and walked across the barn to put the curry comb back in its place.

Buck took the opportunity to remove the bottle of laudanum from his shirtsleeve and tucked it into the waistband of his trousers. Ignoring Doc Barnes' orders, he led Ike's horse from his stall and, using a stack of hay bales for a makeshift ladder carefully mounted the animal.

"Hey, Buck. You supposed to be ridin'?" questioned Cody.

Buck turned the horse slightly so the bottle was hidden from Cody's view. "I'm just gonna get away for a little while. Don't tell Teaspoon or Rachel, alright?"

Having been confined to bed before himself, Cody could understand Buck's need to get away from the station and nodded his head in agreement. "Ain't bothering me none. Do what you want."

Once away from the station, Buck began to understand why Doc Barnes had not wanted him to ride for a while. Although the horse was only walking, the movement was enough to cause the throbbing in his chest to return. Without thinking twice, Buck reached for the bottle of laudanum to put an end to his discomfort.

Soon the pain was gone and Buck was enjoying the familiar relaxed feeling. He closed his eyes and let his head drop back to feel the warmth of the mid-day sun on his face. Rocking back and forth in rhythm with the horse's steady gait, he let the reins drop and allowed the horse to wander at will.

After a while Buck felt himself slipping to one side and opened his eyes to steady himself. Scanning the countryside for a moment he recognized where he was and urged the horse forward. It was just a little further.

He really hadn't planned on coming here. Or, maybe he had. He didn't know. Buck slid off Ike's horse and let his eye roam the area. He had come here a few times since Ike died, but the place looked different now. The burned spot on the ground where Ike's funeral pyre had been erected was now covered in lush green grass. Others might not have recognized the place, but Buck would never forget it.

Buck left Ike's horse untethered, somehow knowing the faithful animal wound not stray, and sank into the green carpet. He ran his fingers through the blades of grass, and remembered the night he and the others had come here to release Ike's spirit. He could still feel the heat from the flames and smell the smoke of the fire.

These sensations returned every time he came here, but they didn't bother him this time. Instead of agonizing over this place, he felt strangely calm. Without realizing what he was doing, Buck reached for the bottle of laudanum again. He soon felt his body become very heavy. He laid down in the grass, staring up at the sky.

Clouds began to turn into the shapes of animals parading across the sky, changing from one animal to another as soon as he recognized it, almost as if they were trying to outwit him. Ike had been able to see these things and tried repeatedly to point out the shapes to his friend, but Buck could never find them. Ike told him he had no imagination.

"Guess I've got an imagination, now," he said rather smugly to the bear floating overhead. He hoped Ike would be pleased that he finally could see them.

Buck felt a tingling sensation on his hand and noticed a small ladybug crawling across his finger. He turned over and rested his face against the ground watching the insect move its multitude of legs across his hand. Buck counted the number of spots on her back over and over again as if the number held some secret importance.

Buck was amazed by how differently he felt after taking the laudanum. Never in his life had he felt so calm and relaxed. Lou had betrayed him, no one understood him, neither the Kiowa nor the white world wanted him, he had killed an unarmed man and Ike was dead. But all that just didn't seem to matter as much. Buck closed his eyes and let the peaceful feeling envelop him. He didn't know exactly what was in that bottle, but it was magic.